The Weight of Water
by mjandersen
Summary: In the wake of the events of 2x19: "Alex", Maggie struggles to open up and allow herself to heal. A character study of sorts.


When soldiers are captured and interrogated by enemy combatants they are trained to divulge nothing. The only information they may reveal is a name, a rank, a service number, and a date of birth. And while Maggie Sawyer wishes that were all she had to say, she is not a soldier- no matter how much it feels that way these days. And she is not behind enemy lines, though the therapist's office's small size is reminiscent of an interrogation room, a fact she is acutely aware of.

 _Maggie Sawyer, Detective 1st Grade, Badge Number 7820, April 24, 1987._

The thought runs through her head over and over in time with the ticking of the wall clock.

The thick silence feels like torture as it permeates the room and Maggie feels like she's drowning from the inside out.

Drowning, she realizes with cruel irony, like Alex was.

But she can't force herself to break it. Allow herself to break it. Allow herself to break.

Maggie needs to, she knows, if she wants to go back to work. And she does; she wants to go back to work so badly to distract from the dizzying thoughts and the shaky words and the unsure actions of the last two weeks.

She longs to be back on the beat, handling cases with course hands and a practiced finesse. Longs for the comfort of knowing what to do when and why and how. Because staying at home in the not-knowingness of it all is driving Maggie crazy. And she's found that Alex isn't a fan of it either.

She doesn't know if she's capable of keeping this thing going with Alex. It's a good thing, their thing, but she's always had a tendency to self-sabotage, and this would be the perfect opportunity. Here in this soft-spoken, wounded intimacy is where Maggie could easily slip, stop trying.

Except this time, she finds that she truly doesn't want to.

Maggie isn't used to looking after anyone aside from herself. It's been years since anyone else mattered so much. But she's doing this for Alex, and a little bit for herself too, the whole 'put the oxygen mask on yourself first' kind of deal.

She knows she's got to talk, has to say something. Or nothing will change.

The sleepless nights spent counting pulses and those spent waking each other from bone-chilling, all-too-real nightmares that plague the both of them, the tiptoed conversations and hesitant touches the mornings after, the panic attacks in the shower, in the elevator, voices decibels lower so as not to alarm one another after a very well-placed elbow to the nose that first night home after… after.

She told Alex it was time not only to start paying attention to but also allowing herself to feel her feelings and thus far, Maggie has been something of a hypocrite. Alex has been attending all of her mandated health appointments, including a few lengthy DEO-mandated therapy sessions of her own. And Maggie has seen an improvement in her. She's sleeping better, and eating better, and not startling so easily. Maggie knows she's got to do her part now.

But Maggie has had trouble talking about herself in any real way ever since Eliza Willkie, because last time she truly expressed herself, it got her thrown out of her home.

It's been safer not to get too comfortable with others since then.

Until Alex.

Alex who says she's here to help Maggie heal. Alex who has gotten Maggie to forget, almost. Alex who's made Maggie feel such a strong sense of belonging – of home – one that she hasn't felt in years.

For once, Maggie doesn't feel like something is missing and she doesn't feel on edge because she could be shipped off to the next barely tolerant relative at a moment's notice. As their relationship blooms, the need to shut down her own feelings lessens but never quite leaves, because Alex needs her to be strong.

But Alex also needs Maggie to be honest and open, with herself and with Alex and with the department mandated therapist.

And so, she is.

She releases every worry, every frustration, every plaguing thought she'd had over the past few weeks. The tears streaming down her face somehow lift the weight Maggie's felt on her chest since Alex was taken that terrifying day. And finally, she can breathe again.

Who knew water could weigh so much?

 **AN: Thanks for reading guys! Wrote and edited this in a span of 4 hours so my apologies for any errors or inconsistencies. I had a lot of ideas for this piece and I hope they came through in it. Also just to let you guys know, Maggie's birthdate is made up because I don't think we know it and I also made up her badge number. I used the month/year she was first introduced to the comics and the volume for the date itself and the badge number is two of my favorites put together because I read detective badges are 4 numbers long.**


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